Definitely didn't help after a weekend of renewed sadness and family drama, my first lecture on Monday morning happened to be on depression and suicide. This information is all too familiar to me, unfortunately...
There are so many underlying factors within my family, that it'd be hard to explain it all. I just feel I need to share some of this, and get it out of my head, so please bear with me.
When I was growing up, life was pretty fantastic. One of my favourite memories was when my dad told the five of us kids "Sillygump and Ghahuliflaven" stories. (Sorry, I don't remember how to spell G's name. Aha). This would consist of us telling him an object (ex. a balloon) and he'd have to incorporate into this story. (This all happened in the living room, this didn't ACTUALLY happen!).
We would climb up the giant tree in the back yard, up to the clouds. We would paddle over the lake, and make our way over to this castle. Barney the Bear, Gregory the Gorilla, Panthera the Panther and others that I don't remember would be there. We'd go on adventures, fighting trolls or helping someone escape from the dungeons of the Man in Black.
This part is most for real. There was a two year time period that my family didn't have a vehicle because money was tight, so we would walk to the Oshawa Library or the Oshawa Center (Wooo for the OC!). It was about an hour long walk, so we would continue with the story. Sometimes we would see Crazy Koala chasing on the back of a bus, and we all had to hide.
It was so much fun. I miss it so much.
But after a few sad things in my family's life, including moving down to the Windsor area, things started taking a turn for the worse. Stories stopped. My Dad only got a half time teaching position (still does) and my mom has been a stay at home mom my entire life. Money got even tighter. Family got stressful.
My dad was told he had depression. There were really rough periods of time where things got really rough, painful for everyone involved.
In some ways, it's gotten better.
But life is still hard. Money is still tight. There's still name calling and swearing.
How do I respect him?! I have no idea how. I want to be away from him. I don't like being near him. It's horrible and I hate the fact that I can't respect my own father.
But I do have my Heavenly Father. He is always there for me. He loves me no matter what, even when I screw up or when I'm not pleasant in response to my siblings.
I hope that in the future things will finally turn for the better, and my relationship with my earthly father can be fixed. Until then, I wait and learn to be an obedient daughter of my Heavenly Father.